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Your computer is a living breathing organism which has brought much joy and frustration into your life. You must treat your beastie as a family member with supportive talk, occasional compliments, stroking, assurance it always has a home and immaculate cleaning inside and out.
Now, the first step in approaching your computer is to ascertain where Tron slept last night. Computers often take the same characterisitcs as cats which means they sleep where they want and just dare anyone to wake them up. Don't become overly concerned if you can't find that G-5 or Microsoft Media Center; they are very attached to the home and usually don't go far. Please do the following to call your computer:
Your computer will come bumping along and meekly take its previous position ready for you to move those magic fingers. Note the content look on the unit's monitor, the eagerness to chomp those bytes and take you into a new dimension. But not Yet....
Respositioning the computer is over, but now you have to first exert ownership authority and then approach the computer. Ownership can be expressed by simply going behind the unit and reading the serial number two times in a slow melodic tone. Then contact the company help desk where you purchased it and ask the tech to state your name twice as the owner and then serial number. The computer will acknowledge this by rocking from the right to the left twice before playing various windows sounds.
Now you are ready to sit down and approach the computer. Go slowly into your favorite chair, place your hands on the table, your head between the hands and state the following: "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy." This levels the playing field from the exertion of ownership and a balance has been struck. However, don't be alarmed if the wrong approach is used. Merely ask the computer to come down from the top of the cupboard in a soft voice and reassure there are no hard feelings. The unit will be initially reluctant, but will eventually come down. I suggest a packed picnic with several fluid bottles spread over an oriental rug for maximum effect and a cold bottle of Chablis.
The computer returns and you are ecstatic!! Now place your right hand on the keyboad and gently rub your fingers over each key. This makes the apparatus feel at home and also arouses both AMD and Intel Chips. Do this for several seconds and gently work you hand towards the CPU turn on button. Prior to pushing the button, take a deep breath and sing the following song, in A preferably: Inna Gadda Da Vida. There are only 17 total words in the song so it will be easy to remember, but the music is heavy duty. Your computer will begin rocking out and you can easily push that magic button. REMEMBER THOUGH-don't be alarmed if you forget a word or two>hiding in the refrigerator is sooting for the computer and you can easily persuade it to return by following directions in the first paragraph. If necessary, go to a lyric site on the internet for the 17 words, but for gosh sakes, DON'T LET YOUR COMPUTER KNOW YOU HAVE STROKED THE KEYS OF ANOTHER!
Computer has returned, both it and monitor are on and your are ready......well, almost. Be a good doobie and check the firewall, antispyware, antivirus and anything else to transmit a solid note of caring to your PC. Chips have developed feelings over the years, but there are always some emotions being felt for the first time. This bonding is necessary to ensure safe operation of the unit as well as extending your affection. If you blow this step, simply remember you can pick up your computer two blocks away sitting on the corner with its power cord hung high begging to hitchhike somewhere. A new age church has built a giant facility on the California-Arizona border that houses runaway computers; and tech-counselors deal with their issues of abandonment, homelessness, rejection, etc. Its big business.
Now, be positive. Your computer is there and you are ready to whing out a solid day of computing. Some other tips make common sense: clean your computer regularly inside and out; scrub that keyboard; vacuum all that crud out of the keyboard and computer innards; and finally, help that mouse find rotation again. If you notice corn growing out of your mouse, that may be a good sign of outstanding fertilizer has built up over the 10 years or so you have owned it. Clean the little darling with Jack Daniels, alcohol, cotton swabs and Irish Lullabies. After awhile it will be spic and span; and so will you! DO NOT TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
All right, you are ready.......now go do your thing!!!! Oh, by the way, more than one computer in the house means doing this with each. It seems almost certain computers will be unionized within a year so prepare for many things like a home computer steward. The wonder of technology! Always remember, if nothing else works, water immersion is subtle and deadly!
Now, the first step in approaching your computer is to ascertain where Tron slept last night. Computers often take the same characterisitcs as cats which means they sleep where they want and just dare anyone to wake them up. Don't become overly concerned if you can't find that G-5 or Microsoft Media Center; they are very attached to the home and usually don't go far. Please do the following to call your computer:
- Windows Based Units: state loud and firmly: "Yah, I was looking at Linux last night and really like the new 9.3 GUI."
- Linux Based Units: again, loudly and firmly: "Perhaps its best to return to Windows XP since more software was available."
Your computer will come bumping along and meekly take its previous position ready for you to move those magic fingers. Note the content look on the unit's monitor, the eagerness to chomp those bytes and take you into a new dimension. But not Yet....
Respositioning the computer is over, but now you have to first exert ownership authority and then approach the computer. Ownership can be expressed by simply going behind the unit and reading the serial number two times in a slow melodic tone. Then contact the company help desk where you purchased it and ask the tech to state your name twice as the owner and then serial number. The computer will acknowledge this by rocking from the right to the left twice before playing various windows sounds.
Now you are ready to sit down and approach the computer. Go slowly into your favorite chair, place your hands on the table, your head between the hands and state the following: "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy." This levels the playing field from the exertion of ownership and a balance has been struck. However, don't be alarmed if the wrong approach is used. Merely ask the computer to come down from the top of the cupboard in a soft voice and reassure there are no hard feelings. The unit will be initially reluctant, but will eventually come down. I suggest a packed picnic with several fluid bottles spread over an oriental rug for maximum effect and a cold bottle of Chablis.
The computer returns and you are ecstatic!! Now place your right hand on the keyboad and gently rub your fingers over each key. This makes the apparatus feel at home and also arouses both AMD and Intel Chips. Do this for several seconds and gently work you hand towards the CPU turn on button. Prior to pushing the button, take a deep breath and sing the following song, in A preferably: Inna Gadda Da Vida. There are only 17 total words in the song so it will be easy to remember, but the music is heavy duty. Your computer will begin rocking out and you can easily push that magic button. REMEMBER THOUGH-don't be alarmed if you forget a word or two>hiding in the refrigerator is sooting for the computer and you can easily persuade it to return by following directions in the first paragraph. If necessary, go to a lyric site on the internet for the 17 words, but for gosh sakes, DON'T LET YOUR COMPUTER KNOW YOU HAVE STROKED THE KEYS OF ANOTHER!
Computer has returned, both it and monitor are on and your are ready......well, almost. Be a good doobie and check the firewall, antispyware, antivirus and anything else to transmit a solid note of caring to your PC. Chips have developed feelings over the years, but there are always some emotions being felt for the first time. This bonding is necessary to ensure safe operation of the unit as well as extending your affection. If you blow this step, simply remember you can pick up your computer two blocks away sitting on the corner with its power cord hung high begging to hitchhike somewhere. A new age church has built a giant facility on the California-Arizona border that houses runaway computers; and tech-counselors deal with their issues of abandonment, homelessness, rejection, etc. Its big business.
Now, be positive. Your computer is there and you are ready to whing out a solid day of computing. Some other tips make common sense: clean your computer regularly inside and out; scrub that keyboard; vacuum all that crud out of the keyboard and computer innards; and finally, help that mouse find rotation again. If you notice corn growing out of your mouse, that may be a good sign of outstanding fertilizer has built up over the 10 years or so you have owned it. Clean the little darling with Jack Daniels, alcohol, cotton swabs and Irish Lullabies. After awhile it will be spic and span; and so will you! DO NOT TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
All right, you are ready.......now go do your thing!!!! Oh, by the way, more than one computer in the house means doing this with each. It seems almost certain computers will be unionized within a year so prepare for many things like a home computer steward. The wonder of technology! Always remember, if nothing else works, water immersion is subtle and deadly!
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