Sarah Palin Resignation News Conference

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Honorable Sarah Palin will address us in her capacity as Governor of the Great State of Alaska for the last time. She has seen her last Russian plane; the last view of Russia from her kitchen; and still has the Bridge to Nowhere. The Governor now speaketh:

Palin: Hi, everyone, I love you and know you love me even though my popularity ratings have nose dived into the Bering Sea. Sad, and just when I needed more per diem, Arctic Cat jackets, PACs and legal defense funds.

Okie, dokey, the problem here is not me; never me, but the media. Our brave soldiers are fighting in Kuwait just so the media can talk about my family. Its an outrage and I am personally mind sick over it!

I know there are 15 months left in my administration since I counted them last night while reading my seven figure book contract. Wow, a hockey mom writing a book and so far I have 252 blank pages. It's a start! Just so much to say about what is needed in this country to make me richer, hire enough attorneys to stay out of jail and maintain some kind of presence.

The Media is bad. Katie Couric, Charles Gibson and the rest asked me questions I wasn't prepared for and probably never will be. It was disgusting to sit there and have to think about what publications I read or my qualifications for vice-president. I read a lot, sometimes even more and really enjoy book pictures. Told them what a VP does, but too illiterate to understand. They should be ashamed as I am.

I will continue to further my agenda which is ever changing and promote good Americanism when it happens. Good Americanism is defined as whatever gives me more power, more account money and the ability to say things that don't make sense to dumb Americans. Its that simple and now I can do it with a seven figure book deal. $150,000 in two months for clothes was a spit in the old bucket!!

The silly ethics charges still plague me and recently I failed to respond to one about my legal defense fund. You know, there are some great sales out there and THEY claim I used the money wrongfully. Now, by law, I have to appear to defend myself. Don't they know I am the Governor Emeritus and don't have to do diddly. The Great Dick Cheney is in the same boat, but he sent his daughter out to defend his lawlessness. I can't do that since mine don't know what to defend and frankly, neither do I. Its a tough world for a hockey mom out of work and no pension.

It was all these cowpie bloggers that made me decide to resign, but a new saying went in the book: pulling a Palin. I really haven't quit that much, but perhaps a lot, but in a minor sense. Frankly, I resent calls to see my notarized high school diploma. Just another media trick to humiliate my Family, but it is difficult to recall which high school I quit. I went to four colleges and must have graduated from one. As of this moment, this hockey mom is a private citizen and will campaign for just about anyone if the price is right.

I am for good old American capitalism! Capitalism and not this silly socialism Obama stands for. Socialism is defined as anything that resembles My Space, FaceBook or Twitter without a profit. Twitter carries my message, but not far enough. People, I need a platform, preferably with a seven figure salary, to convey the message of the Republican party, the Alaska Independence Movement, oops, never mind, and other options which grant me stipends, contractual endoments, et. al.

Finally, being Governor of this Great State has been a blast. Doing absolutely nothing for months while lining up deals is one of the greatest enjoyments of life. Working at home, collecting the big per diem bucks, flying the kids on the state dole, spending more time out of state promoting myself rather than assisting with Alaskans home fuel crisis and finally, convincing the Republican big wigs I am a viable candidate for higher office is stressful. Hockey moms know how to handle this and I will always keep an eye on Putin over there who poses a threat to our way of life.

Nuff said....I am out of here, got to see my lawyers, bitch about Tina Fey though she provided good publicity (SNL paid good bucks), handle some ethics problems and make sure my ex-brother-in-law has some more issues. No questions since my hair can't take it. My kids will be along soon and you can ask them. This is Sarah Palin saying you won't have me to kick around any more and neither will I.

The Media sucks...now I have said it. Folks, don't believe anything they say about me, Todd, my Family or money I allegedly took under the table. or contractors who built our house for free. I have mouths to feed, wolves to shoot from helicopters and sponsors willing to pay for my mind...not much, but enough. Remember, American Capitalism is the best in the world and I, Sarah Palin, believe in attaining as much capital as possible. I'm gone, but have to remember what high school I attended....hmmmmmmm.

Wait, one more thing!! There is a rumor out there about Todd and I divorcing. Not true since he owes me too much and my religion forbids it, I think...will have to check with witch doctor. The despicable, uncouth National Enquirer is quoting 4 people as saying I had an affair with my husband's former business partner, Brad Hanson whom Todd divorced shortly thereafter for some reason. They even claim possession of a notarized statement, but whoopy do! I don't even know what an affair is much less engage in one. Would I dare do this after my daughter had a child out of wedlock and then after that scoundrel father of her baby, Levi, went about the country saying we knew he was doing the horizontal tango with her in our own house. Nein, nadda, nix, not so.! We don't even know what goes on in our own house much less someone having sex with our daughter...geeeeesssssshhhh. Okay, no affair, honest, no affair, I was Wasilla Mayor and much too busy building the Bridge to Nowhere, our free, oops, our house, making deals and driving the city into $23 million debt. Out of here again....Bye Alaska...why no response back? Why no cheers? Damn liberals!!!

The Sarah McPalin Press Conference

Ladies and gentleman, we are proud to present the Governor of Alaska bordering on Russia and also on Canada, which she can see out of both windows on a cloudy day when Russian planes aren't flying over, Sarah Palin
 
McPalin: Thank you, everyone, you betcha I can see those things and I want to remind the kindergarten Alaska legislature that they get extra credit for this press conference.
Press: Governor Palin, you have been criticized for your inexperience and overall lack of knowledge particularly in foreign affairs. How do you respond to that.
 McPalin: Moose hunting this year was very good and I tracked one into Canada which meant a discussion with  Canadian Customs was undertaken. They were nice and I came home rich with bountiful foreign affair experience. Those moose are so cooperative when it comes to diplomacy.PRESS: Governor, you indicated prior that you would cooperate fully with the Alaska Legislature investigating Troopergate, but have let McCain campaign lawyers stonewall the inquiry. What did you decide to do this contrary to your earlier statement?McPalin: Being a hockey mom who fires people who don't sign personal loyalty oaths means wearing a different hat when confronted with situations. Alaska is a energy producing state which I became governor of and dedicated myself to reforming the wasteful type of government that existed. John McCain wants to do the same, but can't find Alaska. He has been lost for several decades, but no one has noticed and I will ride his coattails hopefully to the White house in lieu of climate warming which is only partially manmade, but some. (Wink, wink, nod, nod, elbow to the ribs)Press: Governor, you didn't answer the question at all. Please do so.McPalin: Now, I may not answer the way you want, but will be straight with the Russian people living near Georgia since they can't be seen from Atlanta. This tussle over Troopergate is simply an internal matter which has become partisan due to a few deciding I wasn't hard enough on my ex-brother-in-law, a former trooper. Its a drop in the bucket compared to my taxes.Press: You were hesitant to release your taxes and your assets really don't match your earnings. However, you claimed $15,000 on per diem payments working out of your house and used state money to fly your children on vacations. This doesn't seem to be quite legal according to the Alaska Tax Commissioner and the IRS.McPalin: What have they got to do with it? I am a hockey mom who needs to set rules for my children and the same for the state. I have reformed a good old boy network, cut necessary waste like naughty books in libraries and terminated some who didn't agree with me. Oh, gosh, Harry Potter is so satanic and librarians should expect criticism. My taxes are in order since I deem them so and support our troops in Iraq. My children are precious and I take them with me as much as possible in spite of Alaska forcing me to save money by charging the state.Press: Governor, a lot of what you are saying is disjointed and to be honest, doesn't really make sense. You are sounding like someone who makes rules for themselves and then screams upon getting caught. Your interview answers have been uninformed, problems with taxes and ethics have arisen, and you have difficulty answering the simplest questions. Don't you see that as an impediment to the McCain campaign?McPalin: John McCain is an honest man who only made occasional propaganda broadcasts for the North Vietnamese while a POW to secure more privileges. Wait....oh, I wasn't supposed to say that...oopsie, sorry.....never mind about that....Anyway, he has been a solid friend to MIA/POW activists....what, oh, oopsie, sorry, never mind about that either....I along with John McCain support our Veterans....what, damn ear mike, he voted against Veterans bills 27 times....oopsie, what the hell can I say..okay...Sorry about that....I support John McCain having numerous lobbyists in his campaign since they are so charming and very well informed and approved by Karl Rove.Press: Have you ever answered a question directly?McPalin: I have always wanted to eradicate hunger and poverty and make people happy. That is why I have chosen to participate in this vice-presidential pageant. It is an honor to represent my state....what, oh, oopsie, wrong answer....Yes, I answered directly during my wedding ceremony with an I do and have been happily married for some years with 5 beautiful children...a hockey mom who supported Alaska secession, wearing different hats while frowning upon polar bear rights and urging oil companies to drill, drill, drill even if it means my own teeth.Press: How do you expect to proceed in the Vice-President's position, a heart beat away from the Presidency, if elected, with this type of management style.McPalin: I am opposed to same sex marriage and understand that seagulls are gay. They will be banned from the White House lawn. Also, as Mayor of Wasilla, I undertook extensive reforms to achieve federal earmarks which resulted in a debt of $20 million in a city employing 63 people. I am opposed to earmarks unless the money can be kept like the funds for our wonderful bridge. It is called the Bridge to Nowhere, but to me is the Bridge to Somewhere....just waiting for someone somewhere to finish the wonderful concept I began and supported, but didn't support since I am a NRA hockey mom who wants to be vice-dictator....oopsie...president.
 Ladies and gentleman, the Governor will take a final question now.
 Press: Governor Palin, what exactly have you achieved towards vice-presidential experience?McPalin: My husband, Todd, entered snowmobile races yearly, but should have perhaps been watching our teenage daughter who is now pregnant. You betcha I talked to him about that. Dick Cheney and Henry Kissinger have advised me, but I really don't know what they said, but will do as they say. The Vice-President's office should be unitary, all by itself, contrary to the Constitution which is just an old document anyway. What do old documents have to do with running a country? It's the same as running a PTA which I haven't done either. Anyway, my executive experience makes me well qualified to achieve more monetary gain as vice-president. I am so excited about a pay raise and all those other ways to get more money quietly Dick told me about.

Thank you for inviting me to this press conference and I hope we have many more to develop understanding in achieving the eradication of hunger, poverty and those pesky Russians flying over Alaska. Oh, and a vote for the McCain/Palin ticket is a vote for something somewhere like my bridge. Over and out, you betcha.