The President of the United States will be holding a special news conference to discuss the Karl Rove situation among other items. Here is his press secretary, Sponge Scott McClellan, coming to the podium to begin denials;
Sponge: Good Morning, it has been a hectic week and remember, no Karl Rove questions since we are committed to let the investigation continue unimpeded since that wasn't done before while we were touting his innocence. Times change.
Press: What is the White House relationship to Robert Novak who actually printed the name of the CIA operative?
Sponge: The White House has always enjoyed Mr. Novak's columns and the President was happy to extend him a government contract for over $125,000 to continue that good work.
Press: Are you saying Novak was paid by this administration to disseminate your ideas leading to the outing of a CIA agent?
Sponge: Not at all, that unfortunate outing was the result of a sloppy clerical error committed by an E-2 who is now on his way to the Attu Islands. No big deal.
Press: Unfortunately, it is a violation of Title 50, the Intelligence Identities Protection Act for anyone to name an agent, operative, informant or source. So how is it not a big deal.
Sponge: (writing feverishly away, stops) What was the name of that Act again? The Intelligence Identities Protection Act. Okay, no problem, we'll have the President take it off the books this afternoon and it won't be a problem anymore. Bingo.....
Press: I don't believe this....the President cannot just submerge a law whenever. This can only occur with Congress through powers delegated by the Constitution.
Sponge: Oh, yeah!! We froze the Reagan and His Daddy's presidential records didn't we?
Press: When will the President be here? (he comes walking in onto the podium)
PIB: President In A Bubble here. Good morning, everyone, and isn't life wonderful when you omit so much of it?
Press: Mr. President, do you still have faith in Karl Rove?
PIB: Who?? Oh, Turd Blossom, you mean. Of course, he's only getting a few riled up. Happened all the time in Texas. Too many people got their bowels in an uproar.
Press: What is your position on him assisting to out a CIA agent?
PIB: Gosh, I love the smell of controversy in the morning when its recognizable to me. Been having these awful allergy attacks and think liberals may have something to do with it.
Press: Could you answer the question, Mr. President.
PIB: Yes, I don't believe Turd Blossom would do that without my express order.
Press: Did you place that order?
PIB: Of course, ham on rye with a touch of mayo and maybe a couple of Lone Star beers on the side.
Press: No, order Karl Rove to assist in outing a CIA agent?
PIB: Hey, I may be dumb, but I am not stupid. Karl can do his own dirty work, thats what he was hired for. All I ask is he doesn't get the press to ask me if I still have confidence in him or want to fire him and all that stuff.
Press: Do you?
PIB: Didn't I just answer that?
Press: Your popularity rating has gone down, Americans are questioning your honesty, Iraqi terror attacks have increased insurmountably and unemployment is up again.
PIB: Yep, now what's your point?
Press: Could you please comment on these?
PIB: Okay....my popularity is always high since I write the polls; my honesty being questioned-impossible since I don't have that much; Iraqis should just stop this crap and let us build up the corporate structure need for Americans to own their country. Then the influential ones could be paid off and peace would reign. Unemployment means people out of work who don't want to work anyway. Its disgusting and not the American way.
Press: Will you testify under oath regarding the Karl Rove accusations?
PIB: Puleasssssssseeee....I am the oath so why double dipp? Look, Alberto told me I make the laws since I say them; and then we'll get him over to the Supreme Court to back me up on everything. Just keep Dan Quayle away cause I don't want comparisons to him.
Press: Mr. President, don't you have the slightest moral qualm about what you are doing?
PIB: As opposed to what? I am the best trained corporate man in the business who happens to find the White House each day, rain or shine except when I'm away. The American people love me; in fact, just the other day I was in Ohio and all those Librul papers said laid off workers would be protesting me since over 3,000,000 lost their jobs to outsourcing. Not that way at all..why Laura and I did such a haul on all those wonderful fruit, vegetables and eggs people were throwing to us. Never saw such big tomaters in my life, but that one egg was a bit smelly. Gave it to my Secret Service man to eat the next morning just to see if it was poisoned.
Press: Okay, Mr. President. I think we have everything in perspective. Will you make a statement of support for Karl Rove?
PIB: Who??? Turd Blossom....it depends on how deep he is in the doo doo. Bad-turn my back so fast he'll hear only a high wind like Ken Lay did; not so bad, he can come back to the office and we can drink Grape Nehis together and chat about the good one just put over.
I just love the way I operate; and everybody believes me. Two hooves good; 4 hooves better.
Sponge: Good Morning, it has been a hectic week and remember, no Karl Rove questions since we are committed to let the investigation continue unimpeded since that wasn't done before while we were touting his innocence. Times change.
Press: What is the White House relationship to Robert Novak who actually printed the name of the CIA operative?
Sponge: The White House has always enjoyed Mr. Novak's columns and the President was happy to extend him a government contract for over $125,000 to continue that good work.
Press: Are you saying Novak was paid by this administration to disseminate your ideas leading to the outing of a CIA agent?
Sponge: Not at all, that unfortunate outing was the result of a sloppy clerical error committed by an E-2 who is now on his way to the Attu Islands. No big deal.
Press: Unfortunately, it is a violation of Title 50, the Intelligence Identities Protection Act for anyone to name an agent, operative, informant or source. So how is it not a big deal.
Sponge: (writing feverishly away, stops) What was the name of that Act again? The Intelligence Identities Protection Act. Okay, no problem, we'll have the President take it off the books this afternoon and it won't be a problem anymore. Bingo.....
Press: I don't believe this....the President cannot just submerge a law whenever. This can only occur with Congress through powers delegated by the Constitution.
Sponge: Oh, yeah!! We froze the Reagan and His Daddy's presidential records didn't we?
Press: When will the President be here? (he comes walking in onto the podium)
PIB: President In A Bubble here. Good morning, everyone, and isn't life wonderful when you omit so much of it?
Press: Mr. President, do you still have faith in Karl Rove?
PIB: Who?? Oh, Turd Blossom, you mean. Of course, he's only getting a few riled up. Happened all the time in Texas. Too many people got their bowels in an uproar.
Press: What is your position on him assisting to out a CIA agent?
PIB: Gosh, I love the smell of controversy in the morning when its recognizable to me. Been having these awful allergy attacks and think liberals may have something to do with it.
Press: Could you answer the question, Mr. President.
PIB: Yes, I don't believe Turd Blossom would do that without my express order.
Press: Did you place that order?
PIB: Of course, ham on rye with a touch of mayo and maybe a couple of Lone Star beers on the side.
Press: No, order Karl Rove to assist in outing a CIA agent?
PIB: Hey, I may be dumb, but I am not stupid. Karl can do his own dirty work, thats what he was hired for. All I ask is he doesn't get the press to ask me if I still have confidence in him or want to fire him and all that stuff.
Press: Do you?
PIB: Didn't I just answer that?
Press: Your popularity rating has gone down, Americans are questioning your honesty, Iraqi terror attacks have increased insurmountably and unemployment is up again.
PIB: Yep, now what's your point?
Press: Could you please comment on these?
PIB: Okay....my popularity is always high since I write the polls; my honesty being questioned-impossible since I don't have that much; Iraqis should just stop this crap and let us build up the corporate structure need for Americans to own their country. Then the influential ones could be paid off and peace would reign. Unemployment means people out of work who don't want to work anyway. Its disgusting and not the American way.
Press: Will you testify under oath regarding the Karl Rove accusations?
PIB: Puleasssssssseeee....I am the oath so why double dipp? Look, Alberto told me I make the laws since I say them; and then we'll get him over to the Supreme Court to back me up on everything. Just keep Dan Quayle away cause I don't want comparisons to him.
Press: Mr. President, don't you have the slightest moral qualm about what you are doing?
PIB: As opposed to what? I am the best trained corporate man in the business who happens to find the White House each day, rain or shine except when I'm away. The American people love me; in fact, just the other day I was in Ohio and all those Librul papers said laid off workers would be protesting me since over 3,000,000 lost their jobs to outsourcing. Not that way at all..why Laura and I did such a haul on all those wonderful fruit, vegetables and eggs people were throwing to us. Never saw such big tomaters in my life, but that one egg was a bit smelly. Gave it to my Secret Service man to eat the next morning just to see if it was poisoned.
Press: Okay, Mr. President. I think we have everything in perspective. Will you make a statement of support for Karl Rove?
PIB: Who??? Turd Blossom....it depends on how deep he is in the doo doo. Bad-turn my back so fast he'll hear only a high wind like Ken Lay did; not so bad, he can come back to the office and we can drink Grape Nehis together and chat about the good one just put over.
I just love the way I operate; and everybody believes me. Two hooves good; 4 hooves better.
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